(All enter immediately from all over the auditorium, looking satisfied.)

Doctor Mao, (ascending through the trapdoor, has an acetylene lamp on his hat and carries a shovel)

My name is Doctor Mao, from Beijing University I have just dug my way through the earth. I am happy to report there is no hell.

Playwright:

armed with a pair of primary scissors and his training spoon: In pursuit of his beloved sister, Diana, not even sure that she existed,. But she did in a faraway' village, across the East River, and maybe even past Jersey, also.

Poet:

I have written an epic, I have written an epic. It is called 'The Meaning of the Universe' It goes.....

(long silence)

Blind Man:

I see, oh now I see!

(Blind Man gains his sight and becomes the Prophet.)

Playwright:

Damn, now we'll need another Blind Man for insight.

Voice in the Audience

What about that sister?

Witch:

I have no sister, I have no sister,

Chorus:

Ergo Sum.'

Poet:

I think it's about time for Tom Swift to come back on.'

Playwright,(crossing out something on his script: )

Oh, no, it's not.

Tom Swift, (entering'slowly with a large 'X' marked on his shirt:)

'I've been x'ed' Tom said, crossly.

Playwright:

At thirteen and a half she was just awakening to her sensuous womanhood,' in pursuit of libertineous life and the joys of the flesh. Her statuesque' beauty was enjoyed by all who came in contact with it. She was the splitting' image of her brother.

Logician:

Her image was split Craven idols have craven picltures Ergo sum.

Chorus:

Ergo sum.

Norman Vincent Sheen:

Idolatry is the root of all.

Wayfarer (enters carrying large brass Hop Toy:)

Hop Toy:

Where have we been?

Wayfarer:

There.

Hop Toy:

Where are we going?

Wayfarer:

Some other there.

Hop Toy:

Are there others there?

Wayfarer:

They are all there.

Hop Toy:

Will any of them come here?

Wayfarer:

From there, here is there.

Hop Toy:

Oh.'

Playwright:

And everyone knew even though they had never met Big Zeus and she knew' that she would recognize him on sight.

Prophet(former Blind Man):

I see, I see.'

Big Zeus and Diana enter, wearing masks and riding on large papier-mache eyeballs pulled by the Wayfaarer.)

Zeus and Diana:

Where have you been?

Wayfarer:

There.'

Zeus and Diana:

Where are you going?

Wayfarer:

Some other there.

Zeus and Diana:'

Are there others there?

Wayfarer:

They are all there.

Zeus and Diana:

Will any of'them come here?

Wayfarer:

From there, here is there.

Zeus and Diana:

Oh.'

Playwright:

Super retinas, why the eyeballs?

Zeus and Diana (getting down, revealing indentations in the eyeballs,):

We don't know, they just seemed to fit.

Logician:

Epilepsy cannot be cured. Life goes on as usual. Ergo sum.

Chorus:

Ergo Sum.'

Playwright:

What do you mean, fit?

Witch:

It doesn't fit, it doesn't fit, I'm still a virgin!

Poet:

To wit, to fit is wit, To who? to fit wit is it. To you.'

Logician:

If the shoe fits, The insane have this thing, ergo sum.

Chorus:

ergo sum.

Playwright:

What are you guys up to?

Chorus:

Three four, up to, three four, up to...

Poet:

Insane, outsane, we all scream for ice cream! And the only' monarch is the emperor of Dairy Queen's machine.

Zeus:

Hmmmm.

Witch:

I'm'sovereign, I'm sovereign.

Voice in the Audience:

It's no longer negotiable, ducky.' It's pounds and crowns now.

Poet:

And pieces of eight.

Mary Virginia:

Pieces I ate?

Playwright:

Watch it, we still have to play Boston.

Diana:

How do you play Boston?

Mary Virginia:

If it's a game for two or more, it sounds like fun.

Diana:

I just love games of 'or more'

Poet:

Amo, amat, amas'

Logician:

Amor on a mat is like a Mass, Bread and wine and a lovely lass ergo sum

Chorus:

Ergo sum.

Poet:

You are sounding poetic now, and I to logic would soon bow ergo let's.

(Poet and Logician change robes.)

Playwright:

This is getting out of hand.

Zeus:

Come come now, get a firm grip on yourself.

Witch:

This is no switch for a witch.

(exits)

Cop (entering):

What's coming off here?

Zeus:

There seems to be plenty coming off, and I must admit that I'm coming on.

Cop (to Zeus):

You look familiar.

Zeus:

I am.

Cop:

Just watch that kind of stuff.

Zeus:

Sometimes I'd rather participate.

Diana:

A solution of silver nitrate begins to precipitate

when added ...

Mary Virginia:

My solution is a different kind of solution.

Logician:

Solution

the world of man needs solution great

To trials of war and acts of hate And water pure and milk and blood Ergo this and that Watch it, bud.

Cop:

I'll run you in,

All:

Here?

Cop:

I'll run you all in.

Diana:

Do they call that being ambidextrous?

Mary Virginia:

No, but it does call for a certain amount of strength, some tolerance and a large amount of solution.'

Logician:

Solution The worlds of men needs solution great Fried sweet breads on a snow white plate

Playwright:

This is not what I meant at all, this is not it at all.

Prophet:

Hurry up please, it's time.

Norman Vincent Sheen:

Then what in the hell did you mean? I have to have some sort of images to destroy.

Poet:

April is the cruellest month Smashing idols smashes idol smashers. Descartes of the rose petals.

Chorus:

Descartes of the what?

Logician:

You mean my friend, to say I'm sure Those words that ever will endure The chorus fine can never bloom' Until you say Ergo vergo, I mean ergo sum.

Chorus:

Ergo sum.

Poet:

Ergo sum is what I mean The chorus should be heard and seldom seen Ergo suminum bonum.

Mary Virginia:

Bone all of them?

Zeus:

Only the highest.

Witch:

Not me, not me, I'm a virgin. Ask either of my daughters.

Aristophanes (entering):

Raki-ki rax,' coax, coax

Chorus:

Boola, boola, boola boola

Playwright:

If I've told you once, I've told you before, you guys out there is you have to sing, sing English.'

Chorus:

English.

Playwright:

It doesn't make much sen-sense.

Connection:

Every last sen-sense counts when you're trying to cop.

Zeus:

Trying a cop?

Mary Virginia:

They're good.

Diana:

But how do you prepare one?

Cop:

Just make sure he's well stewed.

Diana:

In his own juice?

Soothsayer (entering):

Sooth, sooth,' sooth, alack,

Mary Virginia:

Of juices can lead to burning the meat and making it too crisp.

Diana:

We wouldn't want such a lovely piece of meat to break off now, would we?

Zeus:

Don't get nasty.

Poet:

We'll meet again, don't know' where, don't know when, Supping is a sibling sanctioned special sunset service' satisfying Certain solitary self centered sacrificial sacraments separating certain' central psychological psychosis symptoms sexy sirens seldom severely suppress.'

Logician:

This will never work. Our new logician is a jerk And he'll have to leave the room If he can't say ergo sum.

Chorus:

ergo Sum.

Playwright (to Aristophanes):

Do you know where you are?

Aristophanes:

Here.

Playwright:

Where did you come from?

Aristophanes:

Some other here.

Playwright:

There are others here.

'

Aristophanes:

We are all here.

Playwright:

Will any of us go there?

Aristophanes:

From there, there is here.

Playwright:

Oh. But just why the hell are you here?'

Aristophanes:

Hell is just why I'm here.

Playwright:

What?

Aristophanes:

This play is going to hell and I'm the only original Union-approved chorus of frogs' authorized to sing in the Styx at river crossings and ferryboat landings.

Zeus:

I didn't know we had a navy.

Diana:

Look Zeus, look. See the big black ferry boat. See all the nice people on the big black ferry boat.

Aristophanes:

Ahemmm...not nice people. These people, may I remind you, are all going to hell?

Cop:

You see,Zeus, the morally unrighteous go to hell and there is no joy or pleasure there.'

George Bernard Shaw (entering):

You wanna bet, baby?

(exits)

Poet:

Hell is a'city much like Salt Lake. Tabernacle voices often think spicy In hoc signo vinces.

Chorus:

In hock to our ears.

Witch:

I am not a Mormon, I'm not a Mormon, I couldn't be a Mormon, I despise orange juice.

Playwright:

Let's leave politics out of this.

Witch:

I said orange juice, not orange water.

Waiter:

I'm'waiting to go on.

Newsboy(in the Audience):

Programs, programs, can't tell the players without a program.

(the Playwright leaves the stage and buys a program from the Newsboy.)

Prophet:

Whom art thou?

Waiter:

Samuel Bucket.

Prophet:

What doest thou portray in this masque?

Waiter:

Nothing.

Prophet:

Your understanding of the character motivation and your excellent choice of business to portray' the inner workings of the mind are to be congratulated. We seldom see an actor with such deep insight.

Waiter:

Oh my god, I'm blind!

George Bernard Shaw (entering):

We can all see that.

(exits)

Norman Vincent Sheen (entering):

Blind sight is better than hind sight.

(exits)

Logician:

The blind cannot see The mad are seldom seen. Therefore, sight and sanity are equal.

Poet:

Now you see it, now you don't. All five senses won't buy a good cigar. Roi-mus Tani-mus.

'

Chorus:

Burma-mus Shave-mus.

Playwright:

Speak English, I still refuse to learn any one else's language.

Wayfarer enters:

Chorus:

Where have you been?'

Wayfarer:

Here and there.

Chorus:

Where are you going?

Wayfarer:

Some other here and there.

Chorus:

Are there others here and there?

Wayfarer:

There are all here and there.

Chorus:

Will any of them come and go here and there?

Wayfarer:

From here and there, here and there are there and here.

Chorus:

Oh.

Logician:

A poem is
The tenderness of death
Boat rides on bushy rivers
Woods dark green
White petals on
a damp bough.
Summer into winter
Pure white snow,
coal black death,
Together chill the heart
And ground
While in the snow
Flakes subtle softness
Flowers falling make the only sound.

Witch:

I'm still a virgin.

Playwright:'

That's all right, John, we understand.

Witch:

But I'm not John, I'm Mary.

Cop:'

I'd better look into this.

Mary Virginia:

I was Mary, now she's Merry, I don't understand.

New Blind Man:

Now, you see, I understand.

Chorus:

They had to carry Mary to the ferry And the ferry carried Mary to the shore; And the reason that they had to carry Mary was....

Aristophanes:

Braki-ki-ki, coax, coax,

Zeus:

Are you still Mary?

Witch:

No, now I'm merry.

Cop:

Then why are you wearing John's mask?

(Everyone runs after everyone else, grabbing masks. Mass confusion.)

Stage Manager (entering through the audience):

Masks and places, everyone. Masks and places. Curtain for the first show in five minutes. Masks and places.

(Stage Manager exits backstage, all on stage grab the nearest mask, straighten' their costumes and exit through the house.)

Newsboy:

Programs, programs, can't tell the symbols without a program.


Back to Back to the beginning of the play.

Back to the beginning of the book.