(A table is stage right. On the table several volumes of Webster's Second Unabridged Dictionary, an adding machine, a quill pen and pen holder, a huge bottle of ink, and several stacks of index cards. The playwright sits at the desk attempting to write the play. Louis La Blanque sit on the edge of the stage, stage left staring at the audience. The waiter stands directly behind La Blanque, watching him carefully. As the playwright scribbles on a long sheet of fan-fold paper, he mumbles. The mumbles become more audible and clear.)
..... an ancient man he was, of the race of Cain. And he wandered from here to there, searching...
(The wayfarer enters stage left as he is named in the play. He crosses to a position behind the playwright who does not notice him.)
Playwright :
Long gray hair had he, and a flashing eye. Whitey began to question him. Whitey, Where have you been ?
Wayfarer :
There.
Playmate (as he writes):
Whitey : Where are you going? .. Wayfarer :
Wayfarer :
Some other there.
Playwright :
Hey, this is beginning to sound good. I can almost feel this character's presence. At least he seems to be more talkative than my first two attempts
(Playwright points with his pen to La Blanque and the waiter stage left, then begins to write again.)
anyway, Whitey : are there others there?
Wayfarer :
They are all there.
Playwright :
That's good. That's good. Lots of ambig..., ambigu..., ah to hell with it.
(writes again)
Whitey : Will any of them come here?
Wayfarer :
From there, here is there.
Playwright:
Oh. ...
(Playwright puts down his pen and gets up.)
I like this.
(Playwright turns and sees the wayfarer)
Where did you come from?
Wayfarer:
There.
Playwright:
Where are you going?
Wayfarer:
Some other there.
Playwright:
Are there others there?
Wayfarer:
They are all there.
Playwright:
Will any of them come here?
Wayfarer:
From there, here is there.
Playwright:
Oh.
(The two look at each other for an instant. The wayfarer turns and exits stage right. Playwright crosses toward the audience.)
Playwright:
How can I ever finish this play when all he can do is wander in and out? I must create more stable characters.
(Playwrigth sits and begins to write again.)
He was a mule of a man with large cow like eyes. When surrounded by women, he always felt sheepish.
(A character in a mule costume wearing a sheep mask with large brown eyes enters.)
Muleman entering:
Cock-a-doodle-do.
Playwright: (erasing what he has just written):
That is not what I meant at all, that is not it at all.
(Mule man exits)
Playwright:
A need someone logical, someone poetic.
(The logician descends from above stage, carried by a large, visible hook. The poet ascends to the stage through a trap door stage center. Both are wearing flowing robes. The poet is also wearing hip boots.)
Logician:
All men are mortals
I am a man
Ergo Summ
Chorus (entering through the audience. They remain off stage, walking through the audience, chanting) :
Ergo Summmmmmmmm.
Poet:
Man, the end
And all my days
Measure full the
times Unfurled,
Eyes and hands
And touch and smell
Ergo ad
infinitum.
Playwright:
Speak English, will you. I refuse to learn anyone else's language.
Poet:
Whene that Aprille withe her shoures sought
The
Drought of Marche hath pierced to the roote...
Playwright (to logician):
What did he say?
Logician:
All monkeys are animals
You are an animal.
Ergo
summ
Chorus:
Ergo Summmmmm.
Poet:
He is not.
Playwright:
What is an air-go zoom?
Chorus:
Ergo Summmmm.
Logician:
You are.
Playwright:
Why do you logic guys always have to bring a guy's family into everything?
Poet:
The logician poetic does become
He has written a play
for you, and some
He would show it now, a produced witticism
But he can
only talk in syllogism.
Playwright:
Has your play any character?
Logician:
I am a character
I have written a play
Ergo summ
Chorus:
Ergo summmm
Playwright:
Let me see it.
logician shakes his head, no.
Poet:
Sweet logician, bringer of light
In this dark heart
shineth bright
A desire to read what thou hast done
A play with character,
at least one.
(The logician gives his play - written on a scroll - to the poet. The poet looks it over on the outside, picks something off of it, eats the things and drops the scroll on the floor. There is a scramble for the manuscript involving everyone on stage except La Blanque. The playwright get the scroll, opens it and begins to read.)
Playwright:
Hummmm. Hummm. Quite a character, but do you expect anyone to believe all this
(motions indicating everything on stage.)
Rock Stone (Enters stage right, crosses stage motioning to indicate the audience):
Do you expect anyone to believe all that?
Iconoclast (Enters left, exits through audience):
Old King Cole was a pedophile.
Playwright:
Damn, now I'll never be able to send this play through the mail.
Rock Stone:
Relax. Comstock has been dead for years.
(exits left)
Poet:
I have to go to the john.
Logician:
John is a man.
The poet needs a john
Ergo
summ
Chorus:
Ergo summmmmm.
Poet:
John, john, john, john.
John (John, the head witch, enters stage right):
You called?
Playwright (reading from the logicians scroll).:
There was this sweet, demure, lovely, nice, young thing. She was a hooker. She lived in a posh apartment on the lower east side of some other there.
(the wayfarer enters stage left bringing with him Mary Virginia)
Poet:
Where did you come from?
Wayfarer:
There.
Poet:
Where are you going?
Wayfarer:
Some other there.
Poet:
Are there others there?
Wayfarer:
They are all there.
Poet:
Will any of them come here?
Wayfarer:
From there, here is there.
Poet:
Oh.
Playwright:
She writes children's stories and sells narcotics delivered in the bindings of the books. She is the winner of the Nobel Piece Prized, the Kenny-cot awards and the Colombian distribution award with a cluster of silver needles.
Logician:
Needles have sharp points This play has no point Ergo sum
Chorus:
Ergo summmmm.
Playwright (crossing to Mary Virginia) :
Who are you?
Mary Virginia:
Would you like to read a children's book?
Playwright:
I don't read.
Mary Virginia (showing playwright a reel of 16 mm film):
Do you watch?
(Mary Virginia puts her book on the table. She and the playwright exit arm in arm stage right.)
Playwright:
The French are very porno-liphic in their film making, aren't we?
Poet ( picks up Mary Virginia's book and begins to read.):
Tom Swift and the Electric Peyote Trip, Hm..
(Tom Swift enters stage lef).)
Logician (to Tom):
What are you doing?
Tom (exiting right):
Digging, he said gravely.
Poet (still reading from Mary's book) :
'Well,' said Tom dryly, 'You must be the driller.'
'That's
right,' the other answered deeply, 'But I'm also a cop.'
He
stood there arrestingly.
'You're a tall man,' said Tom shortly.
Tom
looked at the cop fugitively,
In disgust, the cop raised his hand and smotted Tom.
Logician:
What the hell does she mean, 'smoted.'
(The cop enters from the back of the auditorium followed by the Wayfarer, Mary Virginia, and the playwright.)
Mary Virginia:
Where have you been?
Wayfarer:
There.
Mary Virginia:
Where are you going?
Wayfarer:
Some other there.
Mary Virginia:
Are there others there?
Wayfarer:
They are all there.
Mary Virginia:
Will any of them come here?
Wayfarer:
From there, here is there.
Mary Virginia:
Oh.
(Wayfarer exits left.)
Cop:
Where is he going?
All:
There.
Cop:
Is that all he ever does, just goes there?
Playwright:
Certainly. He's the wayfarer.
Cop:
But doesn't he have a regular job?
(all turn their backs on the cop.)
Cop:
OK. I suppose it's legal. But is it morally righteous?
Playwright:
Perhaps.
Cop:
Watch it, you're all near arrest.
Tom Swift ( entering):
'Good. I need a rest.' Tom said, retiringly.
(Tom exits, Witch enters.)
Cop:
Which witch are you?
Witch:
John.
Cop:
That's a switch for a witch.
Logician:
Spare the rod and spoil the child.
Old food decays
within twenty-one million years.
Ergo sum.
Chorus:
Ergo sum.
Cop:
Is that your broom parked outside?
Witch:
No, I ride a Honda.
Cop:
You should buy American.
Norman Vincent Sheen (entering):
The United States of America is a communist front organization.
Cop ( to Sheen) :
You look familiar.
Playwright (to Cop) :
Who are ;you after?
Poet:
His father and mother.
Playwright:
What do they look like?
Cop ( Pointing to the audience):
They look very familiar.
Poet:
I have written a play, a glorious day.
Playwright (takes the Poet;'s play and begins to read it) :
This isn't it, this isn't it, this is poetry.
Poet:
But I'm a poet.
Playwright:
That's no excuse.
Logician:
People are poets.
Poetry is no excuse.
Ergo
sum.
Chorus:
Ergo sum.
Wayfarer (enters, leading a Blind Man):
Cop:
Where have you been.?
Wayfarer:
There.
Cop:
Where are you going?
Wayfarer:
Some other there.
Cop:
Are there others there?
Wayfarer:
They are all there.
Cop:
Will any of them come here?
Wayfarer:
From there, here is there.
Cop:
Oh.
(Blind Man wanders around the stage, bumping into things, finally finds the playwright's chair, sits down, takes out a piece of cardboard and a large hatpin and begins to write in Braille.)
Cop:
What are we doing here?
Playwright:
Playing?
Cop (Motioning toward the audience):
What are they doing here?
Poet:
Playing, too.
Cop:
But is it morally righteous?
Poet:
I have my suspicions.
Logician:
Suspicion is the seed of doubt.
Money had evil
roots.
Ergo sum.
Chorus:
Ergo sum.
Blind Man:
I have written a motion picture.
Playwright: Can Anyone read this? Blind Man: I can. Playwright: Do it. Blind Man: One day the sun appeared. Not everyone saw the sun, but
I did. Playwright: But where was it? Blind Man: He was there. Playwright: Oh. Blind Man: And He was fair and just and came from his Father's
house, and attempted to be just with all men, and was called a fool. He had.....'
Soothsayer: Sooth, sooth, sooth,. (to the waiter) Forsooth, whom art thou? Waiter: I am the waiter. Soothsayer: What is your name? Waiter: I have no name. Soothsayer: What do you do? Waiter: I wait. Norman Vincent Sheen (entering): Godot has come. (Exits) Mary Virginia: I knew I could do it if I had the chance. Soothsayer: Sooth, sooth, sooth, alas. Blind Man: A lass, which was his sister. Witch: I am no one's sister, I am no one's sister, I am my
own sister. Logician: She has no sister. I have no brother. Ergo Sum. Chorus: Ergo sum. Playwright: Will you guys quit singing out there? You're
ruining.... Chorus: A chorus must sing, Logician: singing: Ergo sum. Playwright: this play. Blind Man: And some called her a lunatic, she of raven hair and
comely beauty, and her name was Diana. (Zeus and Diana enter, led by the Wayfarer.) Witch: Where have you been? Wayfarer: There. Witch: Where are you going? Wayfarer: Some other there. Witch: Are there others there? Wayfarer: They are all there. Witch: Will any of them come here? Wayfarer: From there, here is there. Witch: Oh. Everyone looks are Zeus and Diana. All: But they have no masks. Playwright (Grabbing the paper from the Blind Man): That's all right, I'll fix them. Connection (entering): Somebody need a fix? Veterinarian (entering): Someone need to be fixed? Old Lady ( entering): Veterinarian, veterinarian, veterinarian... Playwright: Who are you? Old Lady: I'm the doctor's bag. Norman Vincent Sheen ( entering): The world really is square. Connection: Who wants a fix? Veterinarian Who wants to be fixed? Playwright: This is not what I meant at all. This is not it at
all. Poet: Hurry up please, it's time. Hurry up please, it's
time. Logician: This is not what he meant at all, Chorus: Ergo Sum. Playwright: Now cut that out. Veterinarian: Just step this way (exits, walking on his toes. Doctor's Bag exits, walking as he did,
the Connectiion follows, everyone joins the procession and leaves the stage,
except the Blind Man who is left alone on the stage.) Blind Man: I don't need to be fixed. (The lights dim and there is a long pause.) (Lights come up with Playwright, Norman Vincent Sheen, Louis
LaBlanque, and the waiter going to their places on stage. The Blindman is still stage
center.) Playwright ( reading from the revised script of the blindman's play): He was dark and powerful and escaped from the orphanage
at a young age. Zeus Nova the called him, sometimes Big Zeus. He was a star. He made
his spectacular escape in which... Witch (entering): No. No. No. I'm still a virgin. (exits). Playwright He slewed.. Logician ( descending from above): 'What the hell do you mean, leweded?' Poet (ascending from a trap door in the floor): Sleweded Playwright: seventeen sadistic volunteer workers armed with =
sub-machine guns, browning automatic rifles, world war II U-boats rehabilitated in an
extensive psychological program, a Roy Rogers cap pistol with low yield nuclear
caps, and six bags candy... Logician: Abe may wear a beanie Chorus: Ergo Sum. Poet: Have you ever heard of Descartes? Logician: De Cart of what? Playwright: Radar, and flood lights. Sus accomplished this amazing
feat.. Waiter: 17 triple E. Poet : Way down yonder in the land of cotton Logician: thou hast eyes but thy vision is in doubt. Playwright: Armed only with... Poet: I sing of arms and the man.... Playwright: May I reach my climax? Mary Virginia: (entering:) Step right this way. (Exits, hookerly.) Playwright: Why not? (Exits hookerly behind her. All follow Mary and the Playwright.) Newsboy (in the audience): Programs, Programs, can't tell the players without a program.
we are a chorus
ergo sum.
Cruel animals can
become tame.
Ergo sum.
Stewed
Blueded
Nuded
Tatooded
The Vatican is in Rome
Ergo Sum
My feet stink,
but yours are rotten.
Thou hast
ears, but thy hearing is not good.
Thou hast a nose, and you sure smell
awful.On to the end of Elam's play.